Ich habe mich nocheinmal an eine FF gewagt und sie diesmal auf englisch geschrieben, weil ich diese Sprache liebe und finde sie klingt einfach schöner:

It was cold and dusty when Severus arrived at the entrance of Hogwarts. The young boy was scared because he went out at night without permission. Severus was sure that Dumbledore knew about it but he went in the Slytherin commonroom completly undetected. Back there he sat down in one of the armchairs and watched the fire burning. He took a deep breath and let his thoughts come an go. There were so many painful thoughts in his mind and that was the reason he couldn't stay at the castle after the lessons, he dind`t want to see all this rubbish any longer.
Severus was obvisiously in love and tried not to show it, but whenever Lily Evans was near him his dark and cold expression vanished and a little smile emerged on his face. But all his happiness when he saw beautiful Lily with her shining green eyes, was destroyed by the apperance of her arrogant boy-friend, James Potter. Severus hated him for having a relationship with the girl he loved so deeply. The memories about James hugging Lily this midday burned in his chest like the fire in front of him and it seems as if his tears which fell down on his lips were trying to extinguish the terrible burning in his chest.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep. The whole night he was forced by terrible nightmares and woke up the other students with his screaming. Johnson, a small, thin boy went down to the commonroom "Sev! SEV! Wake up, you're screaming extremly loud" Johnson said loudly while shaking the trembling and sweating, blackhaired boy. "Sorry Johnson, bad dream!" said Severus and stood up slowly. "It's allright!But go to bed now, must be very uncomfortable sleeping in an armchair Sev!" Johnson smiled tiredly and went upstairs.

So der Anfang ist gemacht Konstruktive Kritik gerne erwünscht ...

Also, mir gefällt dein Anfang.
Englisch, Mal was Anderes...
Freue mich schon auf die Fortsetzung.

The next morning Severus sat in the great hall, having breakfast, when Lily came to him and said with a big smile "Hey, do you want to go out with me and James this afternoon?" evidently she didn`t know how Severus hated James.
At the first moment he wanted to shout at her and tell her everything, but he only looked into her eyes, searching for the right words.
"I know, James doesn't like you!..." she startet and Severus interrupted with his cold voice "He hates me!"
"Well do you also hate him?" Lily asked with a sad expression on her face.
First he wanted to say "No" but before he could think about it he hissed "Yes! I hate him!"
Lily seemed to be shocked, her under lip was trembling when she asked quietly "Why? ... You two behave like little stupid schoolboys"
Lily turned away and Severus said very quiet "Because he has you!"
Lily turned to him again "What?"
"Nothing ... nothing!" Severus said nervously. Lily went to the Gryffindors again, sat down next to James and started eating without saying a word to anyone.

First lesson was Potions this morning, normally Severus was looking forward to it, but not today, because this was the only subject he had together with James an Lily.
He entered teh room and take a seat in the last row. While he saw Lily reading in the potionsbook, James was writing on a small piece of parchment, which flew directly on Severus`desk a second later.
When he opened the letter, the eyes of the two boys found each other and there faces were full of hate.
Severus read:


"Interested in a little duel? Tomorrow afternoon?
So we can find out who's the coward and who's the hero! Agreed?"

"You are making a big mistake Potter!" Severus thought and wrote on the back of the parchment:

"Allright! See you at four o`clock tomorrow, outside!"

Then the letter flew back to James who looked at Severus after he read it.
Both boys nodded briefly and started reading their potionbooks.
After the lesson James shoved Severus with the words "That's going to be really funny, idiot!"
Lily took James arm and said "Stop it! You're so mean!" and James only smiled when Lily asked "By the way, what's going to be funny?"
Angry Lily turned away and ran after Severus "Sev! Hey! Wait for me!" she screamed.
Severus stopped walking at once and Lily jumped on his back, laughing loudly. He only muttered and looked down on his feet. Lilys sad eyes focused his hands, then she took them and said "We are best friends! I don't want that we're going to fight because you and James don't like each other"
He smiled sadly "Don't worry Lily! James and me are going to clear it up like men do!"
He looked at her, smiling, suddenly she hugged him and whispered "Please don't do something stupid!"
Severus felt her hands on his back and her breath on his cheeks. He closed his eyes and stroked over Lilys hair.
"I'll do what's necessary" he said and stepped back.
"I don`t know what you're talking about but it doesn't sound really good" she sighed. "Let's go to the defence against the dark arts lessons" he said.
And they strolled along the corridor together.

Really good, the first two parts And it would be going more interesting, I guess?

Du hast nen sehr interessanten Schreibstil, Tonks. Mir gefällt er total.^^
Oh, Mal sehen, was aus dem Duell wird.

Vielleicht kann ich ja bei Dir noch was lernen - Du hast ja keinen schlechten englischen Stil.

you're screaming extremly loud" Johnson said loudly

Warum bei screaming kein Adverb, bei said doch???
Je mehr man davon liest, desto mehr merkt man, was Englisch für eine schwierige Sprache ist. Ich erkenne keine Fehler und werde dennoch ununterbrochen von dem Eindruck beschlichen, daß es holprig und unidiomatisch klingt. Naja, ist unfair, das jetzt zu beurteilen zu versuchen, nachdem ich gerade wieder 4 Sunden Rowling herself gelesen habe ...

Hm ... bissel unmotiviert, dieses Duell, finde ich. Mal sehen, was daraus wird.

Das ist wohl falsch. Hier müsste beide Male ein Adverb hin, aber das klingt dämlich.

ja das ist mir auch aufgefallen... lol ... manchmal schleichen sich eben doch Fehler ein ... das mit dem adverb da gebe ich zilla recht ...zumindest glaube ich das *g*

ich versuche mein englisch zu verbessern;)